In response to the post Young At Heart:
How do I stay young at heart? It’s a struggle sometimes. We all face this same struggle. When we are young in age and heart, we feel invincible; death isn’t even in our scope of knowledge. As I aged into my thirties, however, I could see there would be an end, even if it wasn’t real, and the knowledge terrified me. It hung before me like a flat black hole with only the unknown beyond. How can you imagine not existing? I couldn’t.
I believe death is not the end, that we can neither be created nor destroyed, but it is hard holding to such a belief when emptiness looms somewhere before of me. I had so much to lose. I now see the finality of my end. Still scary, but no longer terrifying. I didn’t come to terms with death until my Mother died. I’d lived with the fear of losing her and now I had. I didn’t need to be afraid any more. I’d lost her but still had her in a much larger universe than just the physical.
Seeing the end like a dark tunnel extending somewhere unknown is freeing. I am no longer afraid. My Mother is waiting for me there and she still remains in the now, in my heart. I know that I will be free, not only from this physical, older, body but also from the struggles of being bi-polar.
I live in the moment as much as I am able. I won’t lie. I’m certainly not perfect and I don’t live in every moment. Sometimes I just exist until I turn things around. I collected model horses when I was child and I still collect them. They bring me joy, remind me of many happy times in my past and those to come in the future. I read as much as I want. I’m not afraid to take a day off from work. I’m not afraid to let the necessary chores wait so I can just daydream. And write. I work in my flower gardens, feeling the cool richness of the soil in my bare hands. I go to movies by myself. I am no longer afraid to be me.
I try to be kinder and gentler with myself, my children and all those in the world around me. I try to forgive because denying myself forgiveness for my mistakes, and the mistakes of others, draws the darkness in, bringing the black hole closer. I want to wait for the tunnel to lead me somewhere. And I don’t want to get there any sooner than necessary.