Retro Tuesday 3-19-2019

Five Phases to Eliminate

There are five phrases that I’ve decided to eliminate from my life.  To most, they sound harmless, just a few words here and there that come without conscious thought. Easy enough, right?  The phrases are:

I don’t know
It should/could
I think
As far as I know
I guess so

When I actually started thinking about what I was saying, I realized what those words really meant is:

‘I don’t trust myself so just in case I’m wrong – which I probably am –
I’m not going to put myself on the line but warble in the background like
part of the wallpaper.’

I don’t like what that says about me but the truth is, I’ve lived life waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. These words are part of my soul. There are many reasons for this, partly me and partly outside influences that taught me never to trust anything – even myself. I am tired of living in this shadow. How can I BEGIN as talked about in my last post when I can’t even stand behind my own words.

But what if I am wrong? So what is the worse that can happen? I’m wrong. Apologize and move on. So-and-so might be angry or upset of me. I can’t do anything to control their reactions to me; I can only control my own actions and responses. Was I lying deliberately? No. Maybe I was, in all good conscience, just wrong. Can I accept that of myself because I can’t expect anybody else to accept it unless I do.

Can I let myself stand out in the spotlight of the world and make a mistake without feeling so empty that I long to disappear?

I think so….. but I don’t know.

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