I Am Brave 30 Day Challenge Day 20 6-14-2018

(I almost forgot this series. Maybe I should have called it 30 Month Challenge:)

 I Am Outgoing


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

Commit to one uncomfortable conversation today.

TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

Sometimes it seems I have uncomfortable conversations every day. Okay, that is an exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Sometime any conversation is uncomfortable. In my much younger days, I couldn’t speak at all (mentally not physically). My voice was trapped inside. My voice is now free, but there are still hard conversations.

The hardest ones are with my kids. It’s hard to show tough love and compassionate love at the same time. Tough love? Hardly. My ideal of motherhood is my mother. And what would she do for her kids?

Anything!

How do you argue with that? I work on finding a middle ground, doing for my kids and yet not enabling them. I want them to have their own lives.

Yesterday, I had the same conversation with my youngest which I seem to have ever day.

“K, I need you to pick up all the trash in your room and throw it away.”

He nods.

An hour later.

“K, are you picking up your trash?”

“I’m working on it.”

Another hour.

“K, please get to your trash. Do I have to stand in the doorway to make sure it gets done?

“No.”

“Then do it.”

“I am.”

Needless to say, this morning all the trash was still ensconced in his room.

Sigh.

Back to working on a middle ground.


 

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

Sylvia Plath


TODAY’S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

I am eager to invite others to take part in my brave adventure because though it all, memories and goals are much more satisfying when savored. From best friends to complete strangers, I listen sincerely because each perspective brings its own unique value.  An attitude of understanding removes limiting barriers and allows for mutual constructive growth. I always seek to recognize the potential in others and will encourage them in their own brave intentions.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232

I Am Brave 30 Day Challenge Day 19 5-23-2018

(I almost forgot this series. Maybe I should have called it 30 Month Challenge:)

 I Am Optimistic


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

In a moment of misery, crack a smile. To prep yourself for this moment, try to force a giggle—maybe even a full-on belly laugh​ right now 🙂

TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

Being optimistic is a choice.

I just posted a quote to Facebook which deals with optimism.

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Some people may disagree with this statement. I know some who already have. I don’t know if the disconnect is in their mind or they are simply afraid nothing will ever change and expecting change leaves them disappointed.

I try to be optimistic. I used to be a pessimist until I realized what I was focusing on was what I was getting out of life. The problem was, I was focusing on the wrong things: what I didn’t have; what I didn’t want; how horrible the world was around me. Thus, those were the things I was manifesting into my life. When I changed my thinking, I changed my life.

Unfortunately, I lost that change and haven’t fuller reclaimed it yet. I fell back into being afraid which kept me stuck in the pessimistic mode. My attitude is improving again. I am focusing more on the positive, trying to remember how to keep the world from pulling the rug out from under me on a daily basis.

I am trying to be optimistic, but not be a Pollyanna, a very difficult distinction. The difference between the two is a Pollyanna think nothing bad will ever happen and an optimist knows bad things will happen but they look for the positive even so.

Maybe I am just making that distinction in my mind so I can stay a Non-Pollyanna. Or maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe being an optimist and a Pollyanna are the same thing.  I’m not sure why it matter, just that I hate the label of Pollyanna.

Even so, if I have to claim the label, I might as well do it with as much cheer and positivity as possible.


“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.”

– Marsha Petrie Sue


TODAY’S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

As I encounter fear and opposition, I will greet it with an extra degree of kindness and care. I will let the curve of my smile grow into every negative thought and emotion. Navigating difficulty in this positive light turns obstacles into opportunities and empowers me to press on courageously.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232

“I Am Brave” 30 Day Challenge Day 17 2-12-2018

I Am Progressing.


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

Let your brave muscle repair and strengthen by reflecting and appreciating the daily small wins you’ve been accomplishing.


TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

A recent moment that left me feeling scared and discouraged …

I had my money all planned out back in January, covering all my bills. Then my basement flooded and the plumber was called.  Which took the $600 some dollars I had earmarked for bills. I didn’t know how to pay those bills. I was just reaching the rim of the red hole at the bank and did not want to go back down. You have to understand I have no savings (due to being out of work and unemployment ending before a job began) and no credit cards available to use (due to living off them for a year).  Again, I felt useless and totally lost.  Stressed. Angry. Afraid.

Reflecting on this moment, I see now that I grew from this challenging situation in the following way …

I reaffirmed my resolve not to ask for help with my money problems as it causes problems in my family. I am the odd duck in the family, totally different from anybody else. Well, not everybody in the family. My father’s sister, Peggy, wrote stories. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when, in my teens, I found some of her notebooks and realized that yes, there was actually a writer in the family. She was also smart as a whip and, I think, bored by mundane things. I got that also, at least the boredom. I didn’t get her scientific bent nor her alcoholism, but I’ve come to understand both.

I realized that I needed to change my relationship with money. I didn’t see abundance, rather I saw lack. Now, every morning on my way to work, I repeat, “Happy, healthy and financially secure,” all the way. It is already turning my thoughts about money around.

Yes, I will have unexpected bills and yes, money will be tight.  If, however, I remember that the money will be there – even if I don’t know how or when or why – then I’ll be all right. And being all right, is just what I need to be.


Sometimes I feel like when I take one step forward, I end up falling two steps back. What’s important in this situation is that I don’t let these setbacks deter me from staying course and moving forward. I must remember that life moves in waves and it’s okay to have bad days, as long as I get back up and keep pressing ahead.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232

“I Am Brave” 30 Day Challenge Day 16 12-4-2017

I Am Focused.


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

Today, pay extra attention to simple tasks you do every day:

When you take a shower, notice how the water flows down your skin; notice the temperature, the pressure,  and the sounds of individual droplets.

When you are sitting, just as you are now, catch yourself slouching, sit up straight. Sit with alertness and intent. Take a deep breath, and let it all go.

When you get in bed tonight, listen to your heart. Just beat, after beat, after beat. Grateful it’s always working hard to keep you alive even though you don’t ask it to.

By staying focused during mundane tasks, we strengthen our willpower to focus on our larger goals.

 


TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

 

Something I’ve achieved that I might have previously thought impossible …

Something or someone that will get 100% of my attention today …

 

To be honest, I have achieved so many things I never thought possible. Sometimes just getting up out of bed and carrying on seems impossible, but I do it. Then I think of all the things I have achieved over my lifetime not the least being finding my freedom from the cage of Aspergers and Bi-Polar.

I never thought I would be able to do anything on my own. I was terrified of anything new, including any place new. I couldn’t go on my own and I thought I would never be able to function on my own.

That’s probably why I got married so quickly. I needed somebody to depend on, somebody to protect me from the world because I couldn’t image living on my own. For years, I was afraid to leave the marriage because I didn’t think I could make it on my own. If we were struggling so badly with two salaries how did I ever think I would make it alone on one?

Turns out that hope was wrong, but if I hadn’t made that choice, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I finally did make that decision to stop drowning in the marriage and strike out on my own. Well, sort of on my own. I had two high-school/college aged kids tagging along. And they are still tagging but that’s for another day.

I remember the first time I ever used a map to forge off the known road and into the unknown. It wasn’t because I got this sudden sense of ‘Wow, I want to strike out on my  own.’ No, it was because I had to.  I was going to my Ex’s house (before he was my Ex) for the weekend and there had been a wreck on the road. I could either sit there for hours and wait or take out the map (this was before GPS) and find another way.

Honestly, I mostly followed another car doing the same thing, but I was proud of myself regardless.

I remember shopping with my Mother. She wanted me to get some clothes but I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t make a decision. Literally, I couldn’t make a decision. I didn’t know who I was or why I was or what lived deep inside me. I actually thought nothing lived inside me.

The point is, she was picking out what she liked for me. I knew I didn’t like what she wanted me to get but I didn’t have the ability to decide on my own. Not knowing who I was and all.

So, I stood in the dressing room and had a breakdown. I felt….totally alone, as if I didn’t exist. This was before I knew about the Aspergers and Bi-Polar. I just thought I wasn’t a real person.

But it was that moment when I realized that I could either fight for who I wanted to be (not knowing who that was) or accept defeat and live my life not knowing who I was or what was inside me. I never thought I would come to that moment, or to the similar moment when I told my Ex to just go. I could either break away at that moment or let myself drown for the rest of my life.

I chose the chance to have a life. I never imagined I could make that decision. Never imagined I could make it on my own.

Now, I look back and wonder how I survived growing up and being married.

But because I did, I’ve lived and learned so many wonderful lessons. Now, I can’t imagine living without my freedom.

I know I still have lessons to learn. And, frankly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.


When I decide to give something my undivided attention, powerful emotions are created that inspire brave action. What’s great is I always have complete control on where and how I direct my focus. Having a clear desired outcome and consistently focusing on it immediately changes my behavior, giving me the momentum I need to take daily actions that will lead to profound results.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232

“I Am Brave” 30 Day Challenge Day 15 11-12-2017

I Am Resourceful.


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

Draw a scene of yourself 15 days from now, succeeding in your 30-Day challenge. Note what emotions arise as you doodle your braver, successful self.


TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

What resources would help me flourish in my 30 Day Challenge?
(e.g. money, time, information, training, technology, people).

What emotions can I develop to elicit more of those resources?
(e.g. creativity, curiosity, determination, love, enthusiasm, honesty).


When I look ahead 15 days, envisioning what I might see, I first find myself wanting to look away. Not because I think anything ‘bad’ will have happened, but rather because I am afraid there will be nothing there. What could/should I be able to do in 15 days which I haven’t managed in all these years?

Then again, that isn’t the thought or the point of the exercise. I just needed to get my fears out first, into the open, where they couldn’t hide.

That done, I can move on.

Resources? Money always helps. Time? Always. Information, training, tech not so much. People, yes. No. Maybe.

What emotions? I need to be creative, curious about where my story will lead, determined to reach the end, in love with the story, excited about the story and, last but not least, honest about what I can and can’t do.

Mostly honest about who I am. Am I a writer? Yes. Have I always been a writer? Yes. Do I act like a writer? Well, sometimes not.

Writers, write. Am I writing? Am I always feeling like I should be doing something else with my time? Of course! Should I be doing something else with my time? That is harder to say. Where is the perfect balance?

So now comes the task of imagining myself, and my world, in 15 days. Actually, I am going to go for 22 days. That takes me to my birthday which seems a fitting end-date.

Twenty two days from now, NaNoWrMo will be over.  Will I have completed the first draft of my novel? Maybe, maybe not. Will I have worked on my novel consistently, at least five days a week? Yes. And that is a step forward.

Will I know more about my characters and the direction of the story in 22 days? I certainly hope so.

Will I feel more like a writer? Happier? More fulfilled?

Hard to say.

I am at the stage where birthdays aren’t as important anymore. Having a birthday at my age is a lost art. How do you capture the joy and thrill of those childhood birthday parties when you are no longer a child?

Maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I just need to accept what is and what isn’t. My beginning is always the place where I am at any moment.  Maybe I just need to start there every day and relish each day as it comes.

Maybe that is all there is to the story. Start where you are each day and the rest will come.

See you in 22 days!


My ability to appreciate and contribute does not depend on my access to resources. The fact that I’m using this journal is proof that I have recognized a need in myself and had the resourcefulness to acquire tools to help take me where I want to go. I will continue to listen to the needs, beliefs, and emotions that are controlling me so I can develop further confidence in my journey forward.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232

“I Am Brave” 30 Day Challenge Day 14 11-10-2017 Update

I am happy to say that I fulfilled my determined tasks and more.  The dining room rug is clean, the cat pod changed (with a bunch of masking tape in an attempt to keep the plastic liner in place). I washed down the walls, swept, vacuumed and re-arranged the furniture back to its correct position.

I also boxed my Aunt’s things (which have been sitting in my living room for weeks) and put them aside to be taken to the storeroom.

Fed all the fluffies. Emptied the trash cans in my bedroom and the living room. Plus the recycles out.

Whoop!

“I Am Brave” 30 Day Challenge Day 14 11-7-2017

I Am Determined.


TODAY’S BRAVE ACT

Choose one of the determined micro-challenges:

Chew each bite 30 times

Brush your teeth with the opposite hand

Carry around something tempting

Remember, it is in the small, seemingly insignificant things that we begin to flex our brave muscle and adopt new norms.


TODAY’S JOURNAL PROMPT

What has previously interfered with my ability to perform?
(e.g. limiting beliefs, values, people, systems, etc).

Which of these are external limitations, and which are internal?

I am not sure the micro-challenges challenge me, so I am going to make my  own. Today I am determined to clean up the dining room – rug and kitty pods.

You’d be surprised how hard it is to do the simplest things since my medicine snafu last year. I know the whatever needs to be done but…. It’s not that I don’t care…. I just can’t inspire myself to do them. Thus my house is a wreak. I blame my kids (adult kids), but in reality it is also me.  True, they don’t clean up anything, but I’m gotten so that I don’t clean either.  Just looking at the dishes needing to be washed defeats me. As does the laundry etc.

Much of the problem is being unemployed for a year. Unemployment does nothing good for bi-polar. Plus the stress as the money fades away and there is no longer  money for bills or food.

True, I am now working – temp – but it looks hopeful for becoming permanent. Cross fingers and toes. I am starting to adjust.  The last two weeks (my first working), I was so exhausted that I simple worked (meaning, trained) and went home to bed. This week I am adjusting, starting to come off the depression and look upwards.

Finally!

But I know that about myself – it takes me time to adjust to something new, especially when I go into that something new already stressed. But enough of this…

Today, I am determined to get back on track, to get back to enjoying my life regardless of the ups and downs. I am determined to take back my life (again). I am determined to do one thing each day to return to where I was before everything unwound.

Do I wish I wasn’t bi-polar. Yes. Sometimes. At the same time, I can’t imagine not being bi-polar. I have been this way all my life. Without it, I wouldn’t be me and I don’t know if – were it possible – I would go back and change that whatever it was before I was born which decided I would be this way.

Maybe. Maybe not. True, bi-polar affects my entire life, always has, always will, but it does not have to rule me. I don’t have to let it ruin me.

By the way, I am also determined to catch up on my NaNoWrMo novel and finish this year! And to finish  this darned 30-day challenge!


My lot in life has been determined by the actions I have and haven’t taken. Today, I will do what I know needs to be done to accomplish what I’ve set out to achieve. I have the will and skill to fight through resistance. To understand the fears that I encounter, not run from them, and in turn, I will overcome them.


Intention Inspired
1706 NE Weidler St
Portland OR 97232