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Friday Fictioneers 7-1-2017

I’d greatly appreciate some feedback on this one.

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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The street was cobbled, narrow, splashed with sun and shadow. I heard the distant tolling of St. Andrews ricocheting through blood and bone and marrow, sea songs deep where I had no control.

It was death I heard calling.

I stepped into the shadows, walking to the land of bones. Sun. Shadow. Sun. Shadow. Sun. Sea salt and brine. Nowhere else to run.

Drowning in air.

I felt the pain before I heard the shot.

Sand. Fish-rough hands. A hand grasping my shoulder.

The sea always calls home its own.

Pappa.

Falling, drifting, far out beyond land. The land of bones.

 

23 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers 7-1-2017”

      • Yes, I’m happy to respond. I would say, I probably needed a little more information to understand what had happened. It’s lovely having phrases like, “Sun. Shadow. Sun. Shadow. Sun. Sea salt and brine. Nowhere else to run.” – that really drew me in, like poetry. Yet I wasn’t quite sure what “walking to the land of bones.” was referring to, whether the speaker was metaphorically going back to their ancestors’ gravesites, or if their own grave. The “I heard the shot” indicated the speaker might have been killed, but I wasn’t sure about that either. If you think of this as fiction, it wouldn’t hurt to add a bit more information for the reader, but if you think of it as a poem, then you may not wish to explain any more than you already have … does that make sense?

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  8. I know I’m just visiting, but I read your call for feedback. I summed and ached, then here I am. I hope you don’t mind me commenting?

    I have to admit, I was a tiny bit confused by the last couple of lines. I read them three of four times before I think I understood, not on first read though; however, a dying person’s viewpoint is always difficult though, and someone who is suicidal is always numb to emotions, everything shuts down for the end to arrive. Hope that helps.

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    • Thanks. Hope I didn’t ask you the same question twice. Last months been hectic. If I did, sorry. I wrote the last lines as they are to see if readers could follow the story as it was. I am getting that the ending was confusing, perhaps too confusing?

      I tend to have characters with random flashes of memory which makes it hard to know how the reader will follow the story. I can follow the story, of course, but it’s hard for me step into the reader’s mind. I really appreciate the feedback. I will have to go back and try to connect the images in some fashion.

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  10. Theresa –
    Thanks for the comments. I understand what you are saying. Part of why I asked for feedback was that I wasn’t sure if there was enough information in the story so it would be understood. I really appreciate your feedback.
    C

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